What if ??

Have you ever ( maybe a silly question) thought about what if when it comes to your mental health or the other problems in your life? I mean things could be a lot more different, or even really good!!!

In my case I think a bit to much about what my life would’ve looked like if it wasn’t for some people and unpleasant experiences. So many times I feel like I’m being punished and it’s all my fault. But deep inside I know this is just what I’ve been told all my life…

So what’s my biggest what if ?

What if my parents never divorced and didn’t had substance problems???

I came into this world with divorced parents and I actually never got to know my parents at all. All I can remember is being afraid, crying and that I was being hurt in every imaginable way. Both parents with drug addiction (on and of) . I wish so many times I could call my mom and tell her about my good or bad day. ( She passed away when I was only 7) My dad is still alive, but he never calls or text me at all. He doesn’t approve of how I have handled my life. But god knows I’ve been daydreaming of a normal life, with parents who was there no matter what.

What if I didn’t grew up in foster care with mental and physical abuse?

I came from one hell to another, and needed to take my survival skills to the highest lvl. Once again a safe place became my worst nightmare. And I know with all of my heart that anyone but that home would have given me a better start in life and maybe made be less sick than I am today. They filled my head with lies and the abuse was from everyone in that family.

What if I never got my mental disorders?

Would I have been the same person ? No I don’t think so. The strongest and weakest part of me is because of my illnesses. They learned me to not give up and to be emphatic and which battles to fight. But I know like every single person with any mental illness, I dream about waking up and never ever feel fear , anxious or depressed in this way again. I would have been with my kids, working and enjoy all the small things. But I might as well have taking a lot for granted. And not be able to understand and support others the way I do today.

And what if I never gave my kids to relatives?

Every day I think about what my life would’ve been if they still lived with me. And every time I have to tell myself that it wasn’t good for them. And I hate myself for all I have put them trough. I think that if I really was that “selfish ” and had them with me, they wouldn’t get the best chance to have all they deserved. Instead they would’ve grew up with a mother with heavy mental illnesses and been taking care of me instead . And that was not an option for me. I n very wanted them to experience what it was like living with that stress, watching their mom in pain or even worse, feeling it was because of them.

So you see to think what if can be a good thing!!! As long as you believe in your choices and you’re able to move on from the choices that wasn’t yours.

My choices is made from my experiences and my beliefs. And the only person I can really trust is actually myself!!!

Do you have some what if you often think about and why??? Feel free to share with me💙

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3 thoughts on “What if ??

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  1. I try to avoid thinking of what ifs as much as I can, because I recognize that I tend to idealize where other possible journeys may have taken me and dismiss the good things that have come on the journey that I have taken.

    Liked by 2 people

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