Fight or flight???

It’s been a while since my last post and I’m not sure how this one is gonna turn out yet. All I know is that I’m in a some kind of a black hole. The depression and frustration has hit me to hard. No it didn’t just happened today…. this has been going on for weeks, even months. I have my “clear”moments and even days, just to go right back in the black hole.

I don’t know how Im suppose to behave…how to react to all this unclear feelings…And it makes me so angry how much it affects the rest of my life.

I don’t feel real happiness now. Just that my illnesses and issues is gonna destroy all I have worked for. And that makes me so scared!!! I’ve already lost to much and the feeling of loosing yourself , is to much to handle sometimes.

I cry…I mean a lot! It takes one wrong word or feeling to push me over the edge. And the more scared I get I do something weird. I push away and hold on at the same time. And I can’t even control it😔

Over the years I had so many hopes and dreams. I wanted to accomplish something, have a family and live the best way I could. Bit by bit my dreams went over to dark nightmares. No matter how hard I fought I ended up loosing. And how am I suppose to feel about that???

When I finally do what I want and feels good , someone decides that it’s not and gives me the hardest time about it. And now I’m not strong enough to ignore it.

So what do I do???

I stop talking to those who doesn’t listen or show me they have time for me. I have start to build up small walls and I feel the biggest need to protect myself. I’m a fighter , but the flight in me is screaming… I feel so small and helpless and I don’t have the slightest idea where to start.

I wanna heal!!! I wanna wake up again with a smile and feel I have the power to go on….

what I need to do now is to stop giving what I don’t have. I need to say more NO! I can’t help other ppl when I can’t even help myself….

I have a few ppl in my life now I am willing to fight for. I feel so deep love for them and I wanna give them the best of me. They are the reason I don’t give up or flight…. The rest can’t have to much of me. I just don’t have the energy or the will to do it anymore… I’m all empty now and I need to refill!!!

How did you handle your dark, black hole???

Xoxo

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13 thoughts on “Fight or flight???

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  1. I hope your depression improves as the weather grows warmer. I can’t handle the darkness, at least not in ways that keep me out of the hospital 😜 Seriously though, I’m still crawling my way out of the hole.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ty dear;) I live in Malta and it’s suppose to be warm here now but the winter seems to be holding on here too… last year this time I was at the beach🙈 hopefully you will get out of that stupid hole and feel the sun

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I took time to myself. I accepted that how I felt sucked and then eventually accepted that it was my responsibility to take care of myself and get it together. Distancing yourself from anyone that drains positive energy is simply good self care. The first step in beating his problem is realization that it’s ok not to be ok and just take it step at a time. Find things that make you genuinely smile and allow yourself to indulge. Write out your feelings. Cry and scream if you have to. Accept and then release. It’s not going to be automatic but once you bounce back the feeling is amazing ☺️☺️ I’m so glad you were able to open up and share this with us. I really hope you get out of this hole soon!! Sending prayers and love your way!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ty so much for reading and for giving me so good advice and make me feel I’m not “abnormal”. I’ve struggle with this all my life and still I get this long periods we’re all just goes black. Oh yes I cry and scream and I do all my tricks to take control again. But like I say: I have big issues with accept my faith here. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I completely understand. It’s important to know you’re not alone. A lot of others including myself get the same way!! And acceptance is key but also hardest!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Well for me patience has been the key.. I would vent out by writing a lot of poems, just like how you are trying. I certainly want to be left alone, but some part of me wants to be with someone. And there is a constant fight with only losers 😥
    I would try my best to fight the black hole instead of getting sucked into it!! Very tough though 😅
    Great post btw!!!👌👌👌❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ty so much for your feedback and good advice❤️ Yes I think also the black hole is the main thing to fight against . And agree with the part where you wanna be alone but at the same time you want someone there. Hope you’re doing good💜

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