It’s been a while since my last post and I’m not sure how this one is gonna turn out yet. All I know is that I’m in a some kind of a black hole. The depression and frustration has hit me to hard. No it didn’t just happened today…. this has been going on for weeks, even months. I have my “clear”moments and even days, just to go right back in the black hole.
I don’t know how Im suppose to behave…how to react to all this unclear feelings…And it makes me so angry how much it affects the rest of my life.
I don’t feel real happiness now. Just that my illnesses and issues is gonna destroy all I have worked for. And that makes me so scared!!! I’ve already lost to much and the feeling of loosing yourself , is to much to handle sometimes.
I cry…I mean a lot! It takes one wrong word or feeling to push me over the edge. And the more scared I get I do something weird. I push away and hold on at the same time. And I can’t even control it😔
Over the years I had so many hopes and dreams. I wanted to accomplish something, have a family and live the best way I could. Bit by bit my dreams went over to dark nightmares. No matter how hard I fought I ended up loosing. And how am I suppose to feel about that???
When I finally do what I want and feels good , someone decides that it’s not and gives me the hardest time about it. And now I’m not strong enough to ignore it.
So what do I do???
I stop talking to those who doesn’t listen or show me they have time for me. I have start to build up small walls and I feel the biggest need to protect myself. I’m a fighter , but the flight in me is screaming… I feel so small and helpless and I don’t have the slightest idea where to start.
I wanna heal!!! I wanna wake up again with a smile and feel I have the power to go on….
what I need to do now is to stop giving what I don’t have. I need to say more NO! I can’t help other ppl when I can’t even help myself….
I have a few ppl in my life now I am willing to fight for. I feel so deep love for them and I wanna give them the best of me. They are the reason I don’t give up or flight…. The rest can’t have to much of me. I just don’t have the energy or the will to do it anymore… I’m all empty now and I need to refill!!!
How did you handle your dark, black hole???