As you all have noticed my blogs have become more dark and more open. I came to the point where I needed to stop sugarcoating all my feelings, experiences and stop caring about what ppl might think about my writing.
When I started this blog I could never imagine that I would share so much. But for every post I get more secure and it feels a bit relieving .
Today I wanna write about fear. A fear some have experienced or consider as their worst nightmare when it comes to being mentally ill.
When you get your anxiety or the long and dark depression, you often feel it’s not gonna end. And here comes my fear:
That it’s gonna push me over the top and make me so ill I will never be able to function normal again
Let me explain it to you….
Every time my anxiety takes over I get so afraid that I will be put in a hospital. That I will not be able to see my kids again, be with my fiancé or have a chance to live.
Most of us sometimes can be afraid to get sick. Like with cancer or any other illness. But then you shake it off and move on. Because your not sick. You can go to the doctor and take a test just to be sure your healthy.
With mental illness you can’t take a blood test or a mammogram. You need a therapist to talk to and some written tests that will tell them what’s your diagnosis . And you hope that they can fix you. Omg so many times I wished for a quick fix!! One pill or something that could reset my mind. Make me normal….
Instead I go every day, afraid to loose it. To loose all I have despite all my stupid diagnosis. And yes I call them stupid. I hate labels and I hate to have those papers telling me that this is me. And the fear it brings is paralyzing more than I can handle sometimes .
Still I wake up, get out of bed… I try eat good. Exercise a bit. But at night the fear comes even more. I’m so grateful for every day I have with the ppl I love and the fear of loosing that feeds my anxiety.
If I get more sick, will he leave me?? Will I ever get to hug my kids again?? Will I be able to walk alone outside???
I wanna live not exist
Ty for reading and plz share if you have some experiences or comments💙