No wonder I’m fucked up!

Last night me and my fiancé had a really good talk about deep stuff. And I mean really deep. I love this conversations, even though their a bit scary. Everything becomes so real when you say them out loud.

I told him what I experience when my mind just take off and how frightening it is. You see what’s happening is that I see things.. like shadows … or formations of things I don’t know what is. But that scares me. I close my eyes and I can see bad things. And it’s so real that I don’t dare open my eyes, to afraid it will be there still… But I always open and it’s gone… just not in my head.

Ever since I was a little girl I have experienced so many heavy things and it has fucked up my head completely . I remember being scared of the shadow of my bedroom lamp. I didn’t dare to go under it. I always slept with the blanket over my head. I had to have some light in my room, since I had to see everything around me. The need to have control over everything was taking over my entire day.

When a small child go trough so many things there’s no wonder She ends up with all sorts of mental illnesses. No one was there to comfort me when I had nightmares. To check my closet or under the bed for monsters…:why? because the adults were the monsters. I was in a dark bedroom while they made loud noises in the living room. I don’t remember it all, but the darkness, noises and the feeling is like it happened yesterday .

I have been scared all my life and I’m still scared. If ppl scream at me or get mad I feel so small and wanna crawl up in my bed. Instead I usually start crying or get mad myself. But I’m still that 4 year old girl crying for help every night.

My brain now works in a way that if I watch a scary movie, it will take months or years before I can sleep without being scared. That movie becomes my heads reality. So when the lights are off and we’re in bed, the film starts over in my mind. Hard to explain it, but hope you get the picture what I’m trying to say. Last creepy movie I saw was the conjuring and omg I still get my awake nightmares about it.

If you’re a parent you do everything to make sure your child won’t see things that’s scary, because their imagination is so real!! And I’m still there. Like my mind got stuck back in the 80’s….(I’m borned 1979)

So you can say I don’t sleep that much. I can lay awake pretty much all nights for weeks because my head thinks it’s a good idea to remember all the nasty and scary shot I’ve ever seen at once. And I have no idea how to deal with this yet. I usually play a game on my phone, have Netflix on the iPad or just lay there until I pass out…

Well, that was a small tour in my head and hopefully you won’t think I’m to crazy..::

Have you some of this issues?? Are your mind making you loose it??? Plz let me know and ty for reading;)

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