The 7th of February 2012 I woke up as usual. I was down and didn’t feel like getting out of bed, just like the other days before. I had been depressed for a really long time and I actually felt I had hit the bottom… The anxiety was unbearable and every day was a struggle. I was living and not existing. I did things like I was on autopilot and cried every night.
This day is so clear and yet so blurry… And I must say this is so hard to tell… I relives this day every year and it’s so heartbreaking.
My kids got dressed and went downstairs.. they made themselves breakfast while I went straight to the couch… I had no energy and didn’t know how to make it trough this day.
Then it happened:
My youngest one was playing with one of his small cars while sitting on top of me. And he said something I never forget:
It doesn’t matter if you’re just laying there mommy. I just play on you like I always does!
For other ppl that might not mean anything, but to me it was like a punch… A real wake up call. My son was starting to take care of me. I wasn’t there for them!! Because I couldn’t!! I gave them food and clothes and took them to school and kindergarten. But mentally I was on another planet. I really need help myself , but first I had to make sure my kids was in the best care
.So I called the child welfare and told them I needed help.
To tell you I had cooperate with them for some time because of my mental problems to get help and advice so they could stay with me.. it’s a long story and I won’t tell it all now.
I looked at my kids and I felt so sad. But I knew it had gone to far. I wasn’t the mom they needed and deserved. I was to sick!! I should’ve seen it much sooner. And I can promise you I’ve had so many thoughts about what if???
What if I had tried a bit more?was I just a bad mom? Will they hate me? Maybe forget me?
When I was standing there and watched my kids, I had to tell another person I wasn’t able to take care of them anymore full time. I felt the tears coming and I was shaking. I was actually letting my kids go. It sounds like I didn’t care or just didn’t wanted them.
After that it’s all kind of blurry… And even the next days are mostly gone. But the pain and the guilt is something that’s been there since that day. I don’t even remember how I hugged them or what I said to them. I guess my mind has blocked most of it…
I miss my kids all the time. I see them ofc and they live with family. And I know I did the right thing by them. I have given them the opportunity I never got. I stoped the circle!! To grow up with parents with mental problems heavy as mine does something with you.
This became a bit of a messy post but I felt it was about time I shared this.
I know I have to get trough this every year and it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna get any easier…
I love you my boys❤️
Ty for reading ❤️