I dont wanna feel so much

Well, what can I say ? This year started with a slap in my face. A reminder how short life can be and made me question my own existence … I lost someone so close.

Inside is just a giant mess. All my emotions has taken control and I’m not even close to handle it. Ofc I have some moments when I feel fine, can laugh and I get some kind of sleep . But then it all comes like a rock in the head. I get so numb and can’t find the energy or will to do anything.

I wanna cry, scream and make the pain and hopelessness disappear . Why has this knocked me down so hard?

I wanna make my own life good. I have wishes for my future but I don’t even know where to start. All I know is that I need to get trough this first. I need to mourn . I know she would’ve wanted me to be happy and live life to the fullest.

2017 was a long year and I was already struggling with my mental illnesses , so I didn’t have much strength to begin with. And still my heads over water and I manage to get trough every day. And I really have to wonder how I do it sometimes.

One of my demons is that my mind won’t let me forget anything . All the bad stuff, no matter how small, becomes a big issue in my head. And many months or even years later, the pain can hit me. And I hate it!!! If someone hurt me, I forgive , but I don’t forget that easy. I just don’t have the power to stop caring and move on like nothings ever happened. So when I loose someone I mourn for a really long time.

I wanna care less, feel less and just be happy about who I am and what I have. I’m gonna get there. Just need time….



8 kommentarer om “I dont wanna feel so much

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  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult that must be for you to deal with into the new year. You have to find ways to escape your mind. I know it’s hard, but if not it will lead you down the rabbit hole and you will end up so much worse. I really recommend reading or exercising. They have really worked well for me, and I promise you I was in a terrible state about a year ago. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to xxx

    Melina | http://www.ivefoundwaldo.com

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  2. I’m sorry for your loss, sending hugs! Everyone deals with loss and sorrow differently and you have the right to react however you feel like reacting! I’ve lost people too and all I can say is that you never really get over it but just learn how to live with it. Someone close to me once told me «you are so much stronger than you think» and whenever I feel sad or down or bad things are happening, I think about that comment and realize that I am strong and it’s because of the things that have happened to me and how I’ve dealt with them.

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