Well, what can I say ? This year started with a slap in my face. A reminder how short life can be and made me question my own existence … I lost someone so close.
Inside is just a giant mess. All my emotions has taken control and I’m not even close to handle it. Ofc I have some moments when I feel fine, can laugh and I get some kind of sleep . But then it all comes like a rock in the head. I get so numb and can’t find the energy or will to do anything.
I wanna cry, scream and make the pain and hopelessness disappear . Why has this knocked me down so hard?
I wanna make my own life good. I have wishes for my future but I don’t even know where to start. All I know is that I need to get trough this first. I need to mourn . I know she would’ve wanted me to be happy and live life to the fullest.
2017 was a long year and I was already struggling with my mental illnesses , so I didn’t have much strength to begin with. And still my heads over water and I manage to get trough every day. And I really have to wonder how I do it sometimes.
One of my demons is that my mind won’t let me forget anything . All the bad stuff, no matter how small, becomes a big issue in my head. And many months or even years later, the pain can hit me. And I hate it!!! If someone hurt me, I forgive , but I don’t forget that easy. I just don’t have the power to stop caring and move on like nothings ever happened. So when I loose someone I mourn for a really long time.
I wanna care less, feel less and just be happy about who I am and what I have. I’m gonna get there. Just need time….