After some days off I will try write a blog again today. This is actually not easy since I’m an emotional mess. Nothing seems to go my way and I just wanna scream and cry.
My last post were about being angry. And yes I am. A lot!! And everyday now stuff happens that’s totally out of my control , but it affect my whole life.
Right now I’m sitting on our regular pub and just ordered my regular lunch. I really need some routines and do the things that make me feel safe. And I can promise you, to sit out now with ppl surrounding me is not easy. Feels like everyone is watching.
I told my bf earlier today I need to crawl out of this black hole… but how? Seems like the anger grows along with my deep depression. The struggle to find something good and positive each day is a constant fight. I can be lifted up just to get thrown back down.
I will do my best today as any other day.. gonna eat and I know I’m going home… alone… to be alone for 10 hours… and tomorrow it’s a repeat..
I really didn’t wish for my life to be like this. I also wanna be social and feel a part of the community. And when ppl say: get a hobby, make friends, do something fun! It’s like a slap in the face. I know they mean well, but for me it’s a reminder that I’m not «normal» .
They don’t know how hard it is to make new friends when you’re not even friends with yourself. To meet someone new and knowing you have two choices:
Either you tell them and show the real you…or you put on your mask and try be like them.
This is the struggle you’re dealing with everyday with mental illness. To fit it… being good enough… feel loved and appreciated for who you are and not only for what you do for a living.
So I’m taking my time when I need it. And I have decided to share more of this bad days in my blog. Maybe I can make someone else feel less lonely ?
Ty for reading…