Sometimes I just hate myself

This blog might be way to personal for some of you, but for me it’s a confession and it might help someone else. I’m not writing this to get sympathy , it’s just a big issue from time to time. And when it gets a bit out of control, I think the only right thing is to put it down in words. I bet I’m not the only one having these problems.

And here it goes… 

I get so freaking mad and unfair sometimes! My feelings takes over and I feel I have no control at all. Every little thing can hurt me and make me feel so small. I say stupid things, mix old with the new and just make a complete fool of myself. Yes ofc I have the right to get mad,sad and upset , but hey there’s a limit for everything. And in the end I’m the one who’s sitting here feeling like an idiot!! I just hurt someone just because I felt bad!! Where’s the sense in that?? 

My head is so stupid. It won’t let me forget stuff that happens like 6 months or even 5 years ago. It only takes one small thing to bring it all back, and I have wrote about this before. It’s exhausting as hell… you make your own stories after many hours of overthinking.. usually in the night when you’re alone with your thoughts . And just because you were so darn afraid to talk about it daylight. And how did that worked out for me?? Not so much!! 

How many times I have to say sorry for my words and behavior? I don’t know… And every time I’m so afraid to lose the person I hurt. 

I know I can work on this, and I do… everyday! And lucky for me, my closest one is so patience with me and don’t judge. And yes he is after my kids my most important one. To love so much and be so afraid to loose it makes me a bit crazy. It took me so many years and many mistakes to get where I’m at now, and I never wanna go back to the old me. 

I have been hurt and left to many times and I don’t wanna be a person who hurt others. I see myself as an extremely emphatic and kind woman. It’s just that over the years a lot has been broken inside me , and it takes all I got to build it up again..

But I really want to and I will give it all to ask for help. I can only go forward… have to stop being my own worst enemy.. I could blame other ppl who hurt me for my behavior, but I’m all grown up. I’m the one who chooses how I react and treat other ppl. Easier said then done, but not impossible . 

If you have any thoughts don’t be afraid to say what you think💙

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