Living with the shame

What do you actually how to feel ashamed about?? You are so young and healthy and got your whole life ahead of you. Just get back in there. We all feel that way sometimes…

This is just some of the comments you get when you actually open up and shares your thoughts and feelings about your mental illness and the choices you made because of it. 

I have taken so many bad choices and probably still will. And some I maybe even have any control over. It’s like my mind just leads me there in a moment of frightness and frustration. 

But back to what I feel ashamed of. I feel ashamed that I can’t do the «normal» stuff most ppl do without thinking. Ashamed I get anxiety and don’t want anyone to see it. Ashamed of my past and where I’m coming from. 

I can tell you I don’t feel like this everyday but close to. Yes I have good moments where I feel on top of the world and see my own worth. And then my crazy own sort of reality takes me right back down. 

Why is it so hard to tell those around you how you really feel??? I’ll tell you: you don’t wanna be a burden. Don’t want a pity look or someone to say » oooh you poor thing». And the hardest thing is that you are so afraid that they’re gonna think : ok now I’ve had it. I’ve heard this to many times. I’m leaving. 

For a person with mental illness the hardest thing is when ppl leave and you turn it all around and make yourself the reason. And always questioning if you’re good enough or can do something to make them like you better. 

Neverending story with sometimes a bad ending. 

So yes I’m ashamed. But I’m proud of all I have accomplished!!! This is me and I will always be me. But a better version for every day❤️

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